ic inbox

[rathercommon]

crystal | letter | cease and desist notices slipped under her door | action

Comments

[rathercommon]

[ Uh huh. ]

Then who is?

[elegiaque]

Most of Orlais.

( it's glib, but it's probably not untrue. )

[rathercommon]

Sure. Who else?

[elegiaque]

No one I care to remember.

[rathercommon]

[ An uncertain noise, but - ]

All right. I won't make you talk about it.

[elegiaque]

It's important to me that it isn't important any more.

[rathercommon]

[ A little puzzled - ]

That it's not important? What do you mean - you don't care about it?

[elegiaque]

Yes.

( whether that's true is debatable, it is nevertheless the goal— )

Why should I have to carry it forever? They won't.

[rathercommon]

[ Oh. That gets a little noise - something like a scoff, but more sympathetic. ]

Doesn't really work like that, though. Not in my experience.

[elegiaque]

Difficult isn't the same as impossible.

( it isn't as if she's never heard 'saying something enough times won't make it true', it's just that she refuses to absorb the lesson. )

[rathercommon]

Maybe not. Still, probably best not to pin your hopes on a near-impossible thing.

[ says the girl who lives her life hoping for a near-impossible thing. ]

[elegiaque]

It only ever has to be true enough.

[rathercommon]

What does that even mean?

[elegiaque]

If you do something, say something, behave a certain way—what does it matter what's underneath it?

( the same logic, again. )

It still denies satisfaction. Even if it isn't perfectly real.

[rathercommon]

Whose satisfaction? Theirs?

[elegiaque]

Mmm. It's better that way.

[rathercommon]

That means you're still letting them dictate your actions.

[elegiaque]

Great, well, now that we've established there are literally no options where that can't be argued, I'll carry on as I have been.

[rathercommon]

Well, why not be honest about your feelings in that case?

[elegiaque]

( first of all, because fuck you— )

I am doing what I want to do. That's how I feel about it. That's being honest about my feelings and what I want to do with them.

[rathercommon]

But you're not. You're pushing them down, aren't you. That must feel awfully lonely.

[elegiaque]

If there were something else I wanted to do, maybe that would be true. But I'm—

( she sounds so frustrated, which is so very like her for something like what she's about to say— )

I'd never not felt lonely before.

( she'd never felt safe, or happy; she'd never had things of value to lose. )

I don't feel lonely. I don't feel the way I felt. ( whatever that was!! gwenaëlle still hates talking about feelings and persistently talks around them, no one's surprised. ) And it's good.

[rathercommon]

[ A slight hesitation, then - ]

When I was younger - a few years ago - there was a magician who attacked me. Me and my friend. And everyone told me, stay quiet. Don't say anything. Keep your head down so it doesn't get worse.

I didn't, of course - you know me - but...I guess you're right. It wasn't talking, made me feel less awful. It was finding a different outlet.

[elegiaque]

( eventually, )

It's freeing. To not be the thing that you were, any more.

( that matters. that means something. choosing, and making choices. )

[rathercommon]

You never were, though. You were never a thing, Gwen.