I- I been realizing something lately. I was raised in the Qun. I dunno if you know what that means. But part of it is... everybody works together. Your work comes before you. Everyone's pushing for the same goals.
I feel that way about Riftwatch. That's how it ought to be. Maybe it can't, but... you're in this place, working for the same goals, far as I know. I wanna believe we are. Winning the war, peace, helping people. So to me, there's no reason I wouldn't.
Doubt you'll believe that, though. Just the way it is for me.
Not... in theory. In theory, there are people who make decisions, but only because their reasoning is best; the only people who get declared 'better' have it happen after they die. In practice...
Look, the Qun would be great if it worked like it said it did, but it doesn't. It throws its soldiers into a screaming fire pit of an island to watch them burn. I would know; I was thrown. That's why I want to work in diplomacy. People have to go to war. But if they're gonna, I'm gonna make sure it's only because they absolutely have to. That goes for everybody.
And so, what, just 'cause I'm on the same side of the war as you, you'll - land yourself in trouble for my sake? Doesn't exactly sound like anyone I've ever known who's been in charge.
You ever known a karasten? That what I was in the Qun. We don't have names. Just karasten.
[But, a pause. (Because that was just fucking manipulation, even if it was true.)]
It's not power. Maybe some people think of it that way. To me, it's responsibility. Like I said, there's no reason why you should believe me. I'm saying what I think is right because it's the right thing to do. You can do what you want with it.
[ She still doesn't trust her. But maybe she relents enough to let out a harsh puff of miserable breath. ]
It won't matter, I expect. What I do with it. Not in the long run. Eventually he'll get fed up and just torture it out of me, and then trust doesn't matter, does it.
[With perhaps a surprising level of vehement anger.] Nobody's fucking torturing anybody. I'll kill him first. If you think he's gonna pull that shit, I want-... I think you should consider sleeping in the Diplomacy offices. Or letting me know where you are. Or- fuck, somebody. You like Thranduil, right? Stick with him. Nobody's getting tortured. [By the end, it sounds like pleading.]
There's no such thing as comfort. Or - if you're comfortable, if you think you're safe, you're fooling yourself. There's no such thing as safety. Not even if the people you think are your enemies are dead.
More comfortable. Doesn't matter. You really think he's out for torture, we gotta find a way to keep that from fucking happening. I don't fucking abide torture. I'm not in the Qun anymore. Fuck that vile fucking shit.
Edited (i cant read.) Date: 2019-10-20 02:13 am (UTC)
[ She's quiet a moment. Then she takes a breath. ]
I don't know if you've been around long enough to see this, or if people have told you, but - Rifters disappear. Without notice or warning. Like they never existed. So it'd be really easy to just - grab someone like me, and pretend that it's just something that happened naturally. So if I go, if I just disappear, you won't just believe that it's 'cause it just happened, no explanation needed. Right? You'll be suspicious. Yeah?
[Okay, this is getting- yeah.] Yeah, this is my responsibility. I started it. If anything happens to you, I'll rip this place apart.
[A quiet moment, but just a moment.] Under the Qun, we had... special words. Words for if people were going to hurt us, or if we needed someone to cover for us, or just follow what we were saying. You should start making those words. With me, and other people you trust.
Mine was mertam- um, boot. I'd say, oh, my boot's dirty. Like that.
[ She bites her lip. Why hadn't they ever had anything like that? Well, they'd gotten by all right with things like meaningful glances and shakes of the head, all that, but - it would have been smart to have code-words. It seems so obvious in retrospect. ]
Boot? I guess I don't talk about boots much. That could work.
Just something casual. How are you doing? Oh, not great, my boots are too tight. You're clever-- fuck, you're cleverer than me-- you'll figure ways to fit it in.
I'd suggest you make those words with other people you trust. Different words for each person. And I doubt it'll take much convincing to tell you not to tell me who or what the words are.
I-... fuck. I feel like I should tell you more about my life under the Qun, so you'll understand where I'm coming from with this shit. But... I also know that's... it's a way to get people on your side, telling them about bad shit you've gone through. And I get it now, you're somebody who... wants honesty. So... if you ever wanna know, I'll tell you. But it's up to you. I'm not interest in you liking me. I just want you to tolerate me enough that I can help keep you safe. Okay?
Look at it from the outside. You're in trouble right now for not trusting the arikara- the- the people with power, like you said. Then I find out he's been doing the exact fucking same thing, except he went a step further. Sure is fucking convenient everyone's got their eye on you.
Yeah. I know. The fact that you're... aware of that, it's... it's good.
What you did isn't right, but I don't think it's wrong, knowing what we know now. What I know. If he's not punished, you shouldn't be, and if you're punished, it shouldn't be for knowing better than than the rest of us and not giving him information.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:20 am (UTC)I feel that way about Riftwatch. That's how it ought to be. Maybe it can't, but... you're in this place, working for the same goals, far as I know. I wanna believe we are. Winning the war, peace, helping people. So to me, there's no reason I wouldn't.
Doubt you'll believe that, though. Just the way it is for me.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:25 am (UTC)And with the Qun. Haven't you got people who matter more than others?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:35 am (UTC)Look, the Qun would be great if it worked like it said it did, but it doesn't. It throws its soldiers into a screaming fire pit of an island to watch them burn. I would know; I was thrown. That's why I want to work in diplomacy. People have to go to war. But if they're gonna, I'm gonna make sure it's only because they absolutely have to. That goes for everybody.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:42 am (UTC)[But, a pause. (Because that was just fucking manipulation, even if it was true.)]
It's not power. Maybe some people think of it that way. To me, it's responsibility. Like I said, there's no reason why you should believe me. I'm saying what I think is right because it's the right thing to do. You can do what you want with it.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:45 am (UTC)It won't matter, I expect. What I do with it. Not in the long run. Eventually he'll get fed up and just torture it out of me, and then trust doesn't matter, does it.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 01:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:01 am (UTC)Do you really think that? That me sleeping in the diplomacy office would stop anything?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:04 am (UTC)[But. Dial it back. A sigh.]
You work for Research. You trust them, right? You should be where you're comfortable.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:09 am (UTC)There's no such thing as comfort. Or - if you're comfortable, if you think you're safe, you're fooling yourself. There's no such thing as safety. Not even if the people you think are your enemies are dead.
[ Cynical words for a literal child. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:11 am (UTC)[Not her business.]
More comfortable. Doesn't matter. You really think he's out for torture, we gotta find a way to keep that from fucking happening. I don't fucking abide torture. I'm not in the Qun anymore. Fuck that vile fucking shit.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:16 am (UTC)You're the first person to believe me about that. [ Well. ] If you do believe me. And you're not just taking the piss.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:20 am (UTC)So if you're not... taking the piss, yeah. I believe you.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:24 am (UTC)I don't know if you've been around long enough to see this, or if people have told you, but - Rifters disappear. Without notice or warning. Like they never existed. So it'd be really easy to just - grab someone like me, and pretend that it's just something that happened naturally. So if I go, if I just disappear, you won't just believe that it's 'cause it just happened, no explanation needed. Right? You'll be suspicious. Yeah?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:33 am (UTC)[A quiet moment, but just a moment.] Under the Qun, we had... special words. Words for if people were going to hurt us, or if we needed someone to cover for us, or just follow what we were saying. You should start making those words. With me, and other people you trust.
Mine was mertam- um, boot. I'd say, oh, my boot's dirty. Like that.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:49 pm (UTC)[ She bites her lip. Why hadn't they ever had anything like that? Well, they'd gotten by all right with things like meaningful glances and shakes of the head, all that, but - it would have been smart to have code-words. It seems so obvious in retrospect. ]
Boot? I guess I don't talk about boots much. That could work.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 03:01 pm (UTC)I'd suggest you make those words with other people you trust. Different words for each person. And I doubt it'll take much convincing to tell you not to tell me who or what the words are.
I-... fuck. I feel like I should tell you more about my life under the Qun, so you'll understand where I'm coming from with this shit. But... I also know that's... it's a way to get people on your side, telling them about bad shit you've gone through. And I get it now, you're somebody who... wants honesty. So... if you ever wanna know, I'll tell you. But it's up to you. I'm not interest in you liking me. I just want you to tolerate me enough that I can help keep you safe. Okay?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 03:58 pm (UTC)How d'you know that I'm not just as devious as he is? How do you know I'm worth keeping safe?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:05 pm (UTC)Look at it from the outside. You're in trouble right now for not trusting the arikara- the- the people with power, like you said. Then I find out he's been doing the exact fucking same thing, except he went a step further. Sure is fucking convenient everyone's got their eye on you.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:08 pm (UTC)[ A slight hesitation, then - ]
It's not like he framed me. Or invented it, or anything. I am keeping secrets. And they are secrets that could benefit Riftwatch, if people knew them.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:14 pm (UTC)What you did isn't right, but I don't think it's wrong, knowing what we know now. What I know. If he's not punished, you shouldn't be, and if you're punished, it shouldn't be for knowing better than than the rest of us and not giving him information.
And nobody. Is fucking. Getting tortured.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:16 pm (UTC)All right. Tell me about it.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:18 pm (UTC)It's my whole fucking life. Which part?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:19 pm (UTC)[ A small shrug. ]
The part that made you think - oh, she ought to know about this.
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