Oh, that's just guilt. I'm definitely responsible, maybe a little, maybe a lot, for the spot you're in. And... you know what, okay.
So I was antaam. That's the Qun army. All the Qun's pretty tight-knit, but soldiers, we were... I still remember everybody's fucking face. And when I got promoted to lead, my job was to make decisions. Some of those decisions got people killed. It was war. Dying was fucking inevitable. Sometimes I could see it going bad, and pulled my sten- my soldiers out. Sometimes I didn't have the chance.
Chance to make sure you don't get blown the fuck up. War is a lot of dying, yeah, but you're not stupid. You know there are ways to... make the damage smaller. Even if it's just one person.
The Qun's fucking hard to explain. I've got a lot of reasons. Some of them... I'll tell you when we know each other a little better, yeah? Not a secret, just personal. We all got stories.
The biggest thing, though... in the Qun, you're fed this story about how we're making the world better. Everything we do is for that goal. I was in the antaam to fight and protect it, protect my sten, win the war in Seheron so it could be settled and peaceful under the Qun.
And then I got there, and- what d'you know about Seheron?
Yeah. Against the Qunari. And it's a fucking mess. I don't know if any of it can be used for anything anymore. Everything's so burnt. The bombs are fucking constant. It smells like black powder. People died so quick we just didn't have time to give them proper rites. We lost people's souls so regular we stopped looking for them.
And I kept thinking, this is helping? This is what I trained for? Who the fuck was I helping?
I think so. But it was hard to tell. That's why we had special words and stuff. They torture people who step too far out of line, have thoughts that aren't allowed. They call it reeducation. My best friends, people I grew up with, they came back from it like...
I don't know the words in Trade. Everything sounds so light in this language.
I mean, I tried to work against it. Make it better from the inside. Help where I could. I stuck my neck out a few times. I couldn't think of anything more I could have done. I'd wrack my brain for it, but I couldn't. In the end, I escaped. Fucking coward.
Fuck, yeah. I-... An explosion went off real near me, and I got thrown, and I was thinking, 'fuck, I'm dead, and this is all I've done with my life?' And when I came to, I wasn't dead, and I just- I ran. I ran until I got to the coast and I saw a ship and I swam to it. I didn't have a plan. I just fucking ran. I... I've never told anybody that. Fuck.
So, yeah, think what you want about me.
Edited (this hobby would be so much easier if i was literate.) Date: 2019-10-20 07:49 pm (UTC)
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-10-20 04:25 pm (UTC)So I was antaam. That's the Qun army. All the Qun's pretty tight-knit, but soldiers, we were... I still remember everybody's fucking face. And when I got promoted to lead, my job was to make decisions. Some of those decisions got people killed. It was war. Dying was fucking inevitable. Sometimes I could see it going bad, and pulled my sten- my soldiers out. Sometimes I didn't have the chance.
But this is a chance.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:31 pm (UTC)That's something the Qun doesn't believe in.
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Date: 2019-10-20 04:48 pm (UTC)[ She shifts, a little uncomfortable. ]
I'm not afraid to die, you know. If it's necessary.
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Date: 2019-10-20 05:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:51 pm (UTC)I know, I know, it's all naive and stupid.
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Date: 2019-10-20 05:59 pm (UTC)I didn't say that.
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Date: 2019-10-20 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:29 pm (UTC)The biggest thing, though... in the Qun, you're fed this story about how we're making the world better. Everything we do is for that goal. I was in the antaam to fight and protect it, protect my sten, win the war in Seheron so it could be settled and peaceful under the Qun.
And then I got there, and- what d'you know about Seheron?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:37 pm (UTC)And I kept thinking, this is helping? This is what I trained for? Who the fuck was I helping?
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Date: 2019-10-20 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:08 pm (UTC)I don't know the words in Trade. Everything sounds so light in this language.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:10 pm (UTC)[ There weren't many who came back from the Tower. But...There were a few. She knows. She understands. ]
So, what, you just kept quiet?
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Date: 2019-10-20 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 07:48 pm (UTC)So, yeah, think what you want about me.
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Date: 2019-10-20 08:33 pm (UTC)[ Difficult as ever, this girl. ]
So you're ashamed of it?
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Date: 2019-10-20 08:35 pm (UTC)[Tiredly,] I left my sten behind. They were counting on me, and I left them. Ashamed... that's a good word. Yes, ashamed.
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