[ She's quiet a moment. Then she takes a breath. ]
I don't know if you've been around long enough to see this, or if people have told you, but - Rifters disappear. Without notice or warning. Like they never existed. So it'd be really easy to just - grab someone like me, and pretend that it's just something that happened naturally. So if I go, if I just disappear, you won't just believe that it's 'cause it just happened, no explanation needed. Right? You'll be suspicious. Yeah?
[Okay, this is getting- yeah.] Yeah, this is my responsibility. I started it. If anything happens to you, I'll rip this place apart.
[A quiet moment, but just a moment.] Under the Qun, we had... special words. Words for if people were going to hurt us, or if we needed someone to cover for us, or just follow what we were saying. You should start making those words. With me, and other people you trust.
Mine was mertam- um, boot. I'd say, oh, my boot's dirty. Like that.
[ She bites her lip. Why hadn't they ever had anything like that? Well, they'd gotten by all right with things like meaningful glances and shakes of the head, all that, but - it would have been smart to have code-words. It seems so obvious in retrospect. ]
Boot? I guess I don't talk about boots much. That could work.
Just something casual. How are you doing? Oh, not great, my boots are too tight. You're clever-- fuck, you're cleverer than me-- you'll figure ways to fit it in.
I'd suggest you make those words with other people you trust. Different words for each person. And I doubt it'll take much convincing to tell you not to tell me who or what the words are.
I-... fuck. I feel like I should tell you more about my life under the Qun, so you'll understand where I'm coming from with this shit. But... I also know that's... it's a way to get people on your side, telling them about bad shit you've gone through. And I get it now, you're somebody who... wants honesty. So... if you ever wanna know, I'll tell you. But it's up to you. I'm not interest in you liking me. I just want you to tolerate me enough that I can help keep you safe. Okay?
Look at it from the outside. You're in trouble right now for not trusting the arikara- the- the people with power, like you said. Then I find out he's been doing the exact fucking same thing, except he went a step further. Sure is fucking convenient everyone's got their eye on you.
Yeah. I know. The fact that you're... aware of that, it's... it's good.
What you did isn't right, but I don't think it's wrong, knowing what we know now. What I know. If he's not punished, you shouldn't be, and if you're punished, it shouldn't be for knowing better than than the rest of us and not giving him information.
Oh, that's just guilt. I'm definitely responsible, maybe a little, maybe a lot, for the spot you're in. And... you know what, okay.
So I was antaam. That's the Qun army. All the Qun's pretty tight-knit, but soldiers, we were... I still remember everybody's fucking face. And when I got promoted to lead, my job was to make decisions. Some of those decisions got people killed. It was war. Dying was fucking inevitable. Sometimes I could see it going bad, and pulled my sten- my soldiers out. Sometimes I didn't have the chance.
Chance to make sure you don't get blown the fuck up. War is a lot of dying, yeah, but you're not stupid. You know there are ways to... make the damage smaller. Even if it's just one person.
The Qun's fucking hard to explain. I've got a lot of reasons. Some of them... I'll tell you when we know each other a little better, yeah? Not a secret, just personal. We all got stories.
The biggest thing, though... in the Qun, you're fed this story about how we're making the world better. Everything we do is for that goal. I was in the antaam to fight and protect it, protect my sten, win the war in Seheron so it could be settled and peaceful under the Qun.
And then I got there, and- what d'you know about Seheron?
Yeah. Against the Qunari. And it's a fucking mess. I don't know if any of it can be used for anything anymore. Everything's so burnt. The bombs are fucking constant. It smells like black powder. People died so quick we just didn't have time to give them proper rites. We lost people's souls so regular we stopped looking for them.
And I kept thinking, this is helping? This is what I trained for? Who the fuck was I helping?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:24 am (UTC)I don't know if you've been around long enough to see this, or if people have told you, but - Rifters disappear. Without notice or warning. Like they never existed. So it'd be really easy to just - grab someone like me, and pretend that it's just something that happened naturally. So if I go, if I just disappear, you won't just believe that it's 'cause it just happened, no explanation needed. Right? You'll be suspicious. Yeah?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:33 am (UTC)[A quiet moment, but just a moment.] Under the Qun, we had... special words. Words for if people were going to hurt us, or if we needed someone to cover for us, or just follow what we were saying. You should start making those words. With me, and other people you trust.
Mine was mertam- um, boot. I'd say, oh, my boot's dirty. Like that.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 02:49 pm (UTC)[ She bites her lip. Why hadn't they ever had anything like that? Well, they'd gotten by all right with things like meaningful glances and shakes of the head, all that, but - it would have been smart to have code-words. It seems so obvious in retrospect. ]
Boot? I guess I don't talk about boots much. That could work.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 03:01 pm (UTC)I'd suggest you make those words with other people you trust. Different words for each person. And I doubt it'll take much convincing to tell you not to tell me who or what the words are.
I-... fuck. I feel like I should tell you more about my life under the Qun, so you'll understand where I'm coming from with this shit. But... I also know that's... it's a way to get people on your side, telling them about bad shit you've gone through. And I get it now, you're somebody who... wants honesty. So... if you ever wanna know, I'll tell you. But it's up to you. I'm not interest in you liking me. I just want you to tolerate me enough that I can help keep you safe. Okay?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 03:58 pm (UTC)How d'you know that I'm not just as devious as he is? How do you know I'm worth keeping safe?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:05 pm (UTC)Look at it from the outside. You're in trouble right now for not trusting the arikara- the- the people with power, like you said. Then I find out he's been doing the exact fucking same thing, except he went a step further. Sure is fucking convenient everyone's got their eye on you.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:08 pm (UTC)[ A slight hesitation, then - ]
It's not like he framed me. Or invented it, or anything. I am keeping secrets. And they are secrets that could benefit Riftwatch, if people knew them.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:14 pm (UTC)What you did isn't right, but I don't think it's wrong, knowing what we know now. What I know. If he's not punished, you shouldn't be, and if you're punished, it shouldn't be for knowing better than than the rest of us and not giving him information.
And nobody. Is fucking. Getting tortured.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:16 pm (UTC)All right. Tell me about it.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:18 pm (UTC)It's my whole fucking life. Which part?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:19 pm (UTC)[ A small shrug. ]
The part that made you think - oh, she ought to know about this.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:25 pm (UTC)So I was antaam. That's the Qun army. All the Qun's pretty tight-knit, but soldiers, we were... I still remember everybody's fucking face. And when I got promoted to lead, my job was to make decisions. Some of those decisions got people killed. It was war. Dying was fucking inevitable. Sometimes I could see it going bad, and pulled my sten- my soldiers out. Sometimes I didn't have the chance.
But this is a chance.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:31 pm (UTC)That's something the Qun doesn't believe in.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 04:48 pm (UTC)[ She shifts, a little uncomfortable. ]
I'm not afraid to die, you know. If it's necessary.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:51 pm (UTC)I know, I know, it's all naive and stupid.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 05:59 pm (UTC)I didn't say that.
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:29 pm (UTC)The biggest thing, though... in the Qun, you're fed this story about how we're making the world better. Everything we do is for that goal. I was in the antaam to fight and protect it, protect my sten, win the war in Seheron so it could be settled and peaceful under the Qun.
And then I got there, and- what d'you know about Seheron?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:37 pm (UTC)And I kept thinking, this is helping? This is what I trained for? Who the fuck was I helping?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-20 06:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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