[ Kitty's right, 'English' doesn't mean anything to Alexandrie specifically, but it doesn't have to for her to be able to connect to the idea of a national culture that shapes ones social mores, so she nods. ]
Then as it should not be relaxing, it shall not occur. The water will do some of that manner of work, at least. I shall not tease you on it; after all, it is not as if I occupy a safe place from where to fling stones at those who avoid intimacies of one ilk or another.
[ She pauses a moment, and then smiles oddly, leaning back again. ]
[ Alexandrie has any number of rejoinders to that, considers them as one might an array of shoes. In the end, though, she just looks a little sad, reaching to pick a dried rose petal off the table nearby and float it on the surface of the water like a boat far from land. ]
Wishes are dangerous, cherie.
[ She'd used to make them. That was before she learned that each one put a little loop inside you that could be tugged at, used to pull you about. All honest desires could be used in such a way.
The heat of the water slowly soaks and weakens the curved shell of the petal, and she watches it sink with a sort of amused wistfulness. Ah, poor thing that succumbs to both its nature and the water's.
What would she wish, if she still engaged in such folly? That there was truth in the way they touched?
Such things were not for people like them. ]
They are how we create little pretty flickers of false hope that we may someday have what we may not. Mirages, where suffering thirst, we consume sand.
[ If you'd told Kitty, after their first conversation, that she'd be feeling a pang of emotion for Alexandrie du et cetera and so on and so forth (Kitty doesn't think she'd be able to remember the girl's first name if she had a knife to her throat), she'd have laughed. But she feels that pang of emotion now. Obviously, the rich have got it better than common folk like her - obviously - but...
There is an agony involved in having an alternative. Some of the members of the Resistance, Fred, for example - they were born to such miserable poverty that they'd never had any other choice. There was no chance for a life that was anything but utterly abject. But Kitty'd had a home, and two parents, and a shot at a comfortable career as someone's secretary. It would have been easy, after Mr Pennyfeather had paid her debts, to just go back to the quiet life. Sometimes it was even tempting. But at the end of the day, the temptation was weak enough that breaking away was like snapping a string. Ladies like Alexandrie, though - they're bound to that temptation by lovely silvery bejewelled chains, though, aren't they?
Poor thing. ]
Mirages are also sometimes what keep you moving through the desert, though. [ Not that Kitty's ever been out in a desert, but - she's read adventure stories. ] Keep you going till you reach the other side.
[ Alexandrie looks back over at Kitty, but she has visibly swept the brief indulgence in sorrow from herself like a maid might attend to so much dust. ]
[ Kitty looks back at Alexandrie, dark eyes watchful - but not wary or frightened as they had been before. Instead, her stare is thoughtful and intent. When Kitty had been in school, she was the absolute terror of many a teacher. ]
What's the difference between a wish and a desire to see something done? Or is it just a resolve to survive?
A wish is passive. A plaintive request of the heavens. [ she gestures dismissively. ] So too is a desire, if it is not supplemented by the resolve to act.
[ here she moves to lean against the wall of the tub again, folding her arms over the side to regard Kitty with much the same look in bright blue. ]
So often, wishes and desires come first and then one musters, if one can, the resolve to accomplish them. The gulf between the desire and the resolve, if they do not match, is easily exploited. Much like a swordsman who overreaches and places himself off balance and exposed.
Abandoning the former means you are left only with the surety of what can be accomplished.
But abandoning the former also means you're left doing only what's been already proven possible. What's been done before.
[ She leans a bit further forward - ]
If you're only reaching as far as you already know you can, then you'll always be limiting yourself. Because people like you, people like me, we're told - you can't go so far. But more often than not, people underestimate us. We underestimate ourselves. Forcing ourselves forward, forcing ourselves to be courageous and to dare new things - if we do that, we can go beyond what others want for us.
[ Suddenly, she is sharp: ] I once thought to go too far beyond the place I was given, and was summarily provided with what comes of that in this world.
[ And then, just as suddenly, conversational again: ] In any case, you are wrong. It is perfectly possible to expand ones courage, daring, and capability without aiming for some far away star. It is the difference between increasing your skill with surety from pebble to stone to boulder and deciding that you shall go outside and lift a rock the size of your own body because your desire to do so shall be enough. You shall injure yourself.
[ Kitty presses her lips together, expression - not pitying, but sympathetic. She can guess exactly what incident Alexandrie is talking about. That discussion of the portrait had had...too much weight, too much significance, to be anything less than a painfully formative event in the woman's life.
She's not sure if this'll help. Maybe it won't. Probably it won't. But - Of the two of them, Alexandrie has told of this painful thing in her life, while Kitty had dodged the question of her misery. So. She offers this out. ]
I'm...from a world that's a lot like Tevinter. Mages in charge. The rest of us smashed down. When I was a girl, a friend and I were playing in a park, and we got caught by a magician who - attacked us. I got away all right, but my friend, he's - He never looked the same again. And so I did what I was supposed to, I played by the rules - I sued him for what he did. And he won the case, and won it so ferociously that I got saddled with more debts than I could possibly pay off, and I'd have gone to debtor's prison if I hadn't gotten help.
Safety's an illusion. [ She shakes her head. ] It feels like things ought to work like they do in the natural world, building up your strength, daring little things and never getting hurt for it, but that isn't how it works. Everything is dangerous, always. So why not be brave?
[ Like Tevinter. So that is why Kitty has been so easily aggravated by the Inquisition's small sprinkling of Tevenes.
(irritation briefly flickers across her face at the way her heart responds to the bare thought of him before she gathers it all and shoves it into a box.)
The rest of the story is a sad one, and unfair, as life so often is. It was strange, how differently the two of them had responded to such things, one in each direction: Alexandrie risking less, Kitty somehow risking more. Everything is dangerous, always. So why not be brave? It's a simple enough idea, but to Alexandrie, accepting it feels the same as wishing. ]
If everything will hurt always, no matter what is done, why hurt yourself even further still in reaching for any true desire?
[ Kitty hesitates, nibbling on her lip as she thinks. It's funny, how invigorating this conversation is. Even in the Resistance, they never talked about their reasons for doing things beyond simply the magicians are unjust, they must be brought down. This sort of conversation - Well. She's only really had it twice. Once with the demon Bartimaeus, and now with this woman Alexandrie. If she's learned anything from the past few months, she's learned this: always, always, always strike up conversations with people you assume you're going to hate. ]
Well - maybe because that's the way you'll help the world. Or maybe because that's the way you'll help yourself. Maybe if you're brave, and try to make change, you'll change your circumstances, too, and break free. And find joy.
[ Finding herself unable to do more than simply deny the idea without any true reasoning to support it, the question is both deflection and honest curiosity on Alexandrie's part. ]
[ Kitty looks away, now, her eyes turning down towards the water. Her answer is honest. ]
No.
For a while, I thought I had. But in my own way, I was also just doing what was expected of me. Working within prescribed boundaries. Doing what others wanted of me. And all I did was accomplish more of the same - perpetuating suffering.
Nor have I, if it is any small consolation, save perhaps in the breeze and the hollyhocks. [ then wryly: ] I wonder sometimes if people who seem to be truly happy are simply idiots.
[ That startles a laugh out of Kitty - a rather rare sound. And, looking over with a smile, an expression that's only a little bit more common than the laugh - ]
Then perhaps we have both been faithful to our bargain, and the trip has been a success.
[ Alexandrie's mouth curves in an impish smile in return. ]
May I suggest that we have done quite enough thinking for the time being, and really ought to briefly enjoy being very clean and very nice smelling and soon having very lovely hands with which to eat some small pastries and lie upon couches and not worry at all about whether or not we are happy?
[ The corners of her smile curve up even farther, her eyes sparkling in amusement. ]
Worry not, we may return to dreadful sighing again in a few hours. The heaviness of the world is a patient creature and shall wait faithfully for us.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 03:27 am (UTC)Then as it should not be relaxing, it shall not occur. The water will do some of that manner of work, at least. I shall not tease you on it; after all, it is not as if I occupy a safe place from where to fling stones at those who avoid intimacies of one ilk or another.
[ She pauses a moment, and then smiles oddly, leaning back again. ]
See? I keep my promises.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 01:18 pm (UTC)[ That's not hard to admit. This Alexandrie is definitely a contrast to her usual airheaded self. Thoughtful and articulate and self-aware - ]
I wish you'd always be like this.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 03:16 pm (UTC)Wishes are dangerous, cherie.
[ She'd used to make them. That was before she learned that each one put a little loop inside you that could be tugged at, used to pull you about. All honest desires could be used in such a way.
The heat of the water slowly soaks and weakens the curved shell of the petal, and she watches it sink with a sort of amused wistfulness. Ah, poor thing that succumbs to both its nature and the water's.
What would she wish, if she still engaged in such folly? That there was truth in the way they touched?
Such things were not for people like them. ]
They are how we create little pretty flickers of false hope that we may someday have what we may not. Mirages, where suffering thirst, we consume sand.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 03:29 pm (UTC)There is an agony involved in having an alternative. Some of the members of the Resistance, Fred, for example - they were born to such miserable poverty that they'd never had any other choice. There was no chance for a life that was anything but utterly abject. But Kitty'd had a home, and two parents, and a shot at a comfortable career as someone's secretary. It would have been easy, after Mr Pennyfeather had paid her debts, to just go back to the quiet life. Sometimes it was even tempting. But at the end of the day, the temptation was weak enough that breaking away was like snapping a string. Ladies like Alexandrie, though - they're bound to that temptation by lovely silvery bejewelled chains, though, aren't they?
Poor thing. ]
Mirages are also sometimes what keep you moving through the desert, though. [ Not that Kitty's ever been out in a desert, but - she's read adventure stories. ] Keep you going till you reach the other side.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 03:42 pm (UTC)[ Alexandrie looks back over at Kitty, but she has visibly swept the brief indulgence in sorrow from herself like a maid might attend to so much dust. ]
Wishing is not needful unless that has faltered.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 03:47 pm (UTC)[ Kitty looks back at Alexandrie, dark eyes watchful - but not wary or frightened as they had been before. Instead, her stare is thoughtful and intent. When Kitty had been in school, she was the absolute terror of many a teacher. ]
What's the difference between a wish and a desire to see something done? Or is it just a resolve to survive?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 04:01 pm (UTC)[ here she moves to lean against the wall of the tub again, folding her arms over the side to regard Kitty with much the same look in bright blue. ]
So often, wishes and desires come first and then one musters, if one can, the resolve to accomplish them. The gulf between the desire and the resolve, if they do not match, is easily exploited. Much like a swordsman who overreaches and places himself off balance and exposed.
Abandoning the former means you are left only with the surety of what can be accomplished.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 04:07 pm (UTC)[ She leans a bit further forward - ]
If you're only reaching as far as you already know you can, then you'll always be limiting yourself. Because people like you, people like me, we're told - you can't go so far. But more often than not, people underestimate us. We underestimate ourselves. Forcing ourselves forward, forcing ourselves to be courageous and to dare new things - if we do that, we can go beyond what others want for us.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 04:23 pm (UTC)[ And then, just as suddenly, conversational again: ] In any case, you are wrong. It is perfectly possible to expand ones courage, daring, and capability without aiming for some far away star. It is the difference between increasing your skill with surety from pebble to stone to boulder and deciding that you shall go outside and lift a rock the size of your own body because your desire to do so shall be enough. You shall injure yourself.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 04:43 pm (UTC)She's not sure if this'll help. Maybe it won't. Probably it won't. But - Of the two of them, Alexandrie has told of this painful thing in her life, while Kitty had dodged the question of her misery. So. She offers this out. ]
I'm...from a world that's a lot like Tevinter. Mages in charge. The rest of us smashed down. When I was a girl, a friend and I were playing in a park, and we got caught by a magician who - attacked us. I got away all right, but my friend, he's - He never looked the same again. And so I did what I was supposed to, I played by the rules - I sued him for what he did. And he won the case, and won it so ferociously that I got saddled with more debts than I could possibly pay off, and I'd have gone to debtor's prison if I hadn't gotten help.
Safety's an illusion. [ She shakes her head. ] It feels like things ought to work like they do in the natural world, building up your strength, daring little things and never getting hurt for it, but that isn't how it works. Everything is dangerous, always. So why not be brave?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 05:11 pm (UTC)(irritation briefly flickers across her face at the way her heart responds to the bare thought of him before she gathers it all and shoves it into a box.)
The rest of the story is a sad one, and unfair, as life so often is. It was strange, how differently the two of them had responded to such things, one in each direction: Alexandrie risking less, Kitty somehow risking more. Everything is dangerous, always. So why not be brave? It's a simple enough idea, but to Alexandrie, accepting it feels the same as wishing. ]
If everything will hurt always, no matter what is done, why hurt yourself even further still in reaching for any true desire?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 05:21 pm (UTC)Well - maybe because that's the way you'll help the world. Or maybe because that's the way you'll help yourself. Maybe if you're brave, and try to make change, you'll change your circumstances, too, and break free. And find joy.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 05:40 pm (UTC)[ Finding herself unable to do more than simply deny the idea without any true reasoning to support it, the question is both deflection and honest curiosity on Alexandrie's part. ]
Broken free? Found joy?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 05:45 pm (UTC)No.
For a while, I thought I had. But in my own way, I was also just doing what was expected of me. Working within prescribed boundaries. Doing what others wanted of me. And all I did was accomplish more of the same - perpetuating suffering.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 05:59 pm (UTC)Nor have I, if it is any small consolation, save perhaps in the breeze and the hollyhocks. [ then wryly: ] I wonder sometimes if people who seem to be truly happy are simply idiots.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:08 pm (UTC)Truthfully, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's actually happy.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:13 pm (UTC)I don't know. I'm enjoying myself.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:41 pm (UTC)[ Alexandrie's mouth curves in an impish smile in return. ]
May I suggest that we have done quite enough thinking for the time being, and really ought to briefly enjoy being very clean and very nice smelling and soon having very lovely hands with which to eat some small pastries and lie upon couches and not worry at all about whether or not we are happy?
[ The corners of her smile curve up even farther, her eyes sparkling in amusement. ]
Worry not, we may return to dreadful sighing again in a few hours. The heaviness of the world is a patient creature and shall wait faithfully for us.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:49 pm (UTC)I suppose so. Well, I do like sweets.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 07:17 pm (UTC)Tell me the silliest thing you can think of to be concerned about, and we shall speak on it as if it had all the import in the world.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-25 07:20 pm (UTC)The silliest thing?
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Date: 2018-07-25 07:36 pm (UTC)Precisely.
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