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[rathercommon]

crystal | letter | cease and desist notices slipped under her door | action

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[rathercommon]

Oh.

[ She shifts, a little uncomfortable. ]

I'm not afraid to die, you know. If it's necessary.

[saam]

Neither am I. But I'm afraid to die unnecessarily.

[rathercommon]

So what's a necessary death, then? As far as you're concerned?

[saam]

For something greater than myself. Or to keep someone else from... to save someone. To help.

I know, I know, it's all naive and stupid.

[rathercommon]

[ Quietly: ]

I didn't say that.

[saam]

[Heh.] Well, a lot of people have. Thanks for not.

[rathercommon]

So why do you disagree with them? The - Qun-followers.

[saam]

The Qun's fucking hard to explain. I've got a lot of reasons. Some of them... I'll tell you when we know each other a little better, yeah? Not a secret, just personal. We all got stories.

The biggest thing, though... in the Qun, you're fed this story about how we're making the world better. Everything we do is for that goal. I was in the antaam to fight and protect it, protect my sten, win the war in Seheron so it could be settled and peaceful under the Qun.

And then I got there, and- what d'you know about Seheron?

[rathercommon]

It's a - an island near Flint's island, right? Something that Tevinter's always going to war for?

[saam]

Yeah. Against the Qunari. And it's a fucking mess. I don't know if any of it can be used for anything anymore. Everything's so burnt. The bombs are fucking constant. It smells like black powder. People died so quick we just didn't have time to give them proper rites. We lost people's souls so regular we stopped looking for them.

And I kept thinking, this is helping? This is what I trained for? Who the fuck was I helping?

[rathercommon]

Did anyone else think that?

[saam]

I think so. But it was hard to tell. That's why we had special words and stuff. They torture people who step too far out of line, have thoughts that aren't allowed. They call it reeducation. My best friends, people I grew up with, they came back from it like...

I don't know the words in Trade. Everything sounds so light in this language.

[rathercommon]

You don't have to describe it.

[ There weren't many who came back from the Tower. But...There were a few. She knows. She understands. ]

So, what, you just kept quiet?

[saam]

I mean, I tried to work against it. Make it better from the inside. Help where I could. I stuck my neck out a few times. I couldn't think of anything more I could have done. I'd wrack my brain for it, but I couldn't. In the end, I escaped. Fucking coward.

[rathercommon]

Was that cowardice?

[saam]

Why- what're you asking?

[rathercommon]

I'm asking if you really thought it was the act of a coward to leave.

[saam]

Jones, I... I defected during a war.

[rathercommon]

And? Did you do it 'cause you were scared?

[saam]

Fuck, yeah. I-... An explosion went off real near me, and I got thrown, and I was thinking, 'fuck, I'm dead, and this is all I've done with my life?' And when I came to, I wasn't dead, and I just- I ran. I ran until I got to the coast and I saw a ship and I swam to it. I didn't have a plan. I just fucking ran. I... I've never told anybody that. Fuck.

So, yeah, think what you want about me.

[rathercommon]

I don't need anyone telling me to think what I want.

[ Difficult as ever, this girl. ]

So you're ashamed of it?

[saam]

Good answer.

[Tiredly,] I left my sten behind. They were counting on me, and I left them. Ashamed... that's a good word. Yes, ashamed.

[rathercommon]

Well, I can't tell you how you ought to see yourself. I don't know. But in my experience, cowardice is a word that gets thrown around to keep people fighting long after it would have been sensible to walk away.

[saam]

[That gets a snort of laughter.] Never heard that before. Thanks, ashkaari.

[rathercommon]

[ ??? Did she forget her name ]

Kitty.