[ She huffs - look for that guilt all you want Kitty. ]
They didn't matter until I came to England. Technically our goals were aligned, regardless of the fact they had been twisted and corrupted like the rest of their land to ever see it that way.
That's a grand idea Kitty, of course, I should I do that. Why did I never think of it? [ Then she clicks her fingers, theatrically rude. Perhaps Byerly would be proud of just how scathing it comes out. ] Wait, I forgot, I sent them letters that never reached them. Because Lord Hastings and his ilk carry all the letters in and out of India, and had stopped them from leaving by destroying it all because the entire British system is in their pocket. Then I was forbidden from leaving my own country to seek help, then they impoverished me. Unless you meant after I was a wanted criminal, while even speaking my name bears a life sentence or death, let alone if it turned out I was still actually alive and they would happily give out those orders to - oh, what was that, 'kill the rebel woman Lakshmi first amongst all the leaders'. Shall I walk in the front door of Parliament, where, I might add, the Knights reside as they are part of the British Government which if you had been listening at all I noted several times was entirely corrupt? Or shall I sneak up on an immortal warrior in his bedchamber and wait to see what happens hoping that maybe this one would listen?
[ And with that done, she gives her one flat look, Really? Do you think she hadn't thought about it? ]
Indeed. In the time of King Arthur, so I am told, the knights set out to find the Holy Grail, to fight against the Half-Breeds who had started to beset their lands. I am sure you know those legends.
[ It was written into the English blood like the Mahabharata was into any child of Hindustan. ]
Well, we certainly didn't have anything about Half-Breeds. But, yeah, we got stories of the great magician-king-who-subjugated-demons-and-made-England-great crammed down our throats.
[ But then, with a shake of her head - ]
But don't tell me all these old stories. I don't care about the origin of the - Blackwater or whatever. How come you've got the same powers as these people who are your enemies?
Half-Breeds are Lycans. But those bitten, not born. They are half the strength, half the size, half the ability. [ A brief explanation, hand shifting in a flick.
Because she realises - she's stalling on the rest of it. That weight shifting back on her heels, hovering in the swallow that works a hard muscle in her jaw. Fixing inside her teeth like she doesn't want to relinquish something so private. There is an answer there for her, but it isn't easy. It isn't easy to place Sir Bors. Immortal and tired. They are too deep in now, too deep to old things, old memories for it to not play on her - loss and uncomfortableness at being so. The man with his gray eyes.
Gray, Gray you fool. ] A knight came to my court. That is as much as I could tell you about how, when and why he arrived, just before my husband... One of the first, from the time of Arthur. His name was Sir Bors de Ganis. He too died and passed it onto me.
[ Kitty, of course, is as ever uncompromising in pursuit of the truth. She doesn't shy away in the face of Lakshmi's obvious discomfort - doesn't flinch; instead, she just watches and asks - ]
[ The words linger, long, long as he hung onto breath, do they linger, a half gasped of an ancient thing, bleeding all out. She picks a spot, a little bit above Kitty's head, as she says it. Long and flat and said as clear as the day she heard it. Soft against cannon fire, loud against whispers. ]
'You will change this, Lakshmibai, you must. This all must end.' He pressed it into my hand, and he died. I do not know what else he thought, what he saw in me. I do not even say we were friends. But we... agreed. I do not say how we agreed, what it meant, but... he knew as I felt, and...
[ She clears her throat. ] He was an old man, a wise man, and perhaps a fool too. He saw things no man should done worse, had to live with, he had given over everything else. I think... perhaps... at least, he wanted to die with hope. That is as much as I could tell you of him. Anything else would be presuming too much of both he and I.
I didn't. [ Her face earnest to that. ] Perhaps I was a very different woman then. But I trusted him. Did you not hear me, when Sir Herian asked? I took him in like one of my own.
Nor I ever let a lycan in willingly. I did not say I did so immediately, or I gave friendship of that sort.
But... I was alone, Kitty, I was so terribly alone. Think of yourself as you are now. That is when I had lost my child and gained another only to lose my husband. I had been humiliated in every possible way. I was alone, caring for ten thousand people asking myself, always, was this right? But I could not speak of it, I could not share it. I knew I must and always would be their Rani and never anything less, that was who I was now. Sir Bors, for all his years, did me one kindness I could never forget. He understood what I must do, and helped me make peace with it.
[ which at this point is a sort of familiar sound. The one that says 'I'll remember to come back to this later.']
You are, and for many years it was hard to be around Englishmen, I will not lie to you. I feared often if they might turn, if not into monsters then to trap me and betray me. The many years however have dulled some of that pain. I fight beside them like they were my own now. But you need to understand this at least - for many, even your poorest Englishman, no matter who he is, when he comes to the lands that Britain rules? He could get a local man killed, and no one would stop him because he is English and his word always matters more than anyone elses. It makes all of us afraid of your people. It is one of the great benefits of the United India Company's rule, and because of it, many of them will do wicked things in far away lands from their home because they know they will never get punished for it. So they are happy to turn the other way, even those that are not turned to Half-breed, will happily be complicit, even when they know the truth. Because what does it matter if it's not their home?
It isn't about who has it worse, Kitty. It's about the truth. I am not here to make you feel guilty for existing. I simply thought the truth was something you valued to hear, rather than the lies people tell themselves to be comfortable.
What's wrong? There's nothing wrong. I'm just giving you what you apparently want. [ Then a hard shake of her head - ] You can say it's not about who's got it worse until your face turns blue, but this is the third time in this conversation alone that you've pointed out how much more power and privilege my people have got. Which - Maybe they have. I don't know. But also, my people aren't from your world. And you don't know anything about how my people live, or what we go through, or any of it. You haven't even bothered to ask. You've just assumed. So, no, there's nothing wrong.
[ Hard not to bite further. Lean into it. Easy, easy, easy. ]
You asked, you asked about my people, my land, why I went to England, about the English I know. You questioned how I could do any of it, and then when I told you, you talked about your people, so yes, Kitty, I am confused. I care for you, like my own family, but I do not know what you want from me.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-02-06 06:26 am (UTC)They didn't matter until I came to England. Technically our goals were aligned, regardless of the fact they had been twisted and corrupted like the rest of their land to ever see it that way.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-06 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-06 07:35 pm (UTC)That's a grand idea Kitty, of course, I should I do that. Why did I never think of it? [ Then she clicks her fingers, theatrically rude. Perhaps Byerly would be proud of just how scathing it comes out. ] Wait, I forgot, I sent them letters that never reached them. Because Lord Hastings and his ilk carry all the letters in and out of India, and had stopped them from leaving by destroying it all because the entire British system is in their pocket. Then I was forbidden from leaving my own country to seek help, then they impoverished me. Unless you meant after I was a wanted criminal, while even speaking my name bears a life sentence or death, let alone if it turned out I was still actually alive and they would happily give out those orders to - oh, what was that, 'kill the rebel woman Lakshmi first amongst all the leaders'. Shall I walk in the front door of Parliament, where, I might add, the Knights reside as they are part of the British Government which if you had been listening at all I noted several times was entirely corrupt? Or shall I sneak up on an immortal warrior in his bedchamber and wait to see what happens hoping that maybe this one would listen?
[ And with that done, she gives her one flat look, Really? Do you think she hadn't thought about it? ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-06 10:00 pm (UTC)[ A curious look. ]
What - like you are?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 11:10 am (UTC)[ It was written into the English blood like the Mahabharata was into any child of Hindustan. ]
What they came back with is the Blackwater.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 01:32 pm (UTC)[ But then, with a shake of her head - ]
But don't tell me all these old stories. I don't care about the origin of the - Blackwater or whatever. How come you've got the same powers as these people who are your enemies?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 01:53 pm (UTC)Because she realises - she's stalling on the rest of it. That weight shifting back on her heels, hovering in the swallow that works a hard muscle in her jaw. Fixing inside her teeth like she doesn't want to relinquish something so private. There is an answer there for her, but it isn't easy. It isn't easy to place Sir Bors. Immortal and tired. They are too deep in now, too deep to old things, old memories for it to not play on her - loss and uncomfortableness at being so. The man with his gray eyes.
Gray, Gray you fool. ] A knight came to my court. That is as much as I could tell you about how, when and why he arrived, just before my husband... One of the first, from the time of Arthur. His name was Sir Bors de Ganis. He too died and passed it onto me.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:20 pm (UTC)Why?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:28 pm (UTC)'You will change this, Lakshmibai, you must. This all must end.' He pressed it into my hand, and he died. I do not know what else he thought, what he saw in me. I do not even say we were friends. But we... agreed. I do not say how we agreed, what it meant, but... he knew as I felt, and...
[ She clears her throat. ] He was an old man, a wise man, and perhaps a fool too. He saw things no man should done worse, had to live with, he had given over everything else. I think... perhaps... at least, he wanted to die with hope. That is as much as I could tell you of him. Anything else would be presuming too much of both he and I.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:34 pm (UTC)How did you know he didn't have some agenda?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:36 pm (UTC)I didn't. [ Her face earnest to that. ] Perhaps I was a very different woman then. But I trusted him. Did you not hear me, when Sir Herian asked? I took him in like one of my own.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 02:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 03:03 pm (UTC)[ She screws up her mouth, shakes her head. ]
I'd hardly let a magician into my house.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 03:23 pm (UTC)Nor I ever let a lycan in willingly. I did not say I did so immediately, or I gave friendship of that sort.
But... I was alone, Kitty, I was so terribly alone. Think of yourself as you are now. That is when I had lost my child and gained another only to lose my husband. I had been humiliated in every possible way. I was alone, caring for ten thousand people asking myself, always, was this right? But I could not speak of it, I could not share it. I knew I must and always would be their Rani and never anything less, that was who I was now. Sir Bors, for all his years, did me one kindness I could never forget. He understood what I must do, and helped me make peace with it.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 03:35 pm (UTC)That's - not how I am now.
[ Anyway. ]
And you really don't have any idea why he broke with the others? Why he went against them?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 03:39 pm (UTC)Kitty, is that what you think I mean when I say English? You think I mean you as well?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 03:45 pm (UTC)[ It was a response to the charge of loneliness. But now that she mentions it... ]
But - yeah. I am English.
Phone tag rip
Date: 2019-02-08 03:57 pm (UTC)[ which at this point is a sort of familiar sound. The one that says 'I'll remember to come back to this later.']
You are, and for many years it was hard to be around Englishmen, I will not lie to you. I feared often if they might turn, if not into monsters then to trap me and betray me. The many years however have dulled some of that pain. I fight beside them like they were my own now. But you need to understand this at least - for many, even your poorest Englishman, no matter who he is, when he comes to the lands that Britain rules? He could get a local man killed, and no one would stop him because he is English and his word always matters more than anyone elses. It makes all of us afraid of your people. It is one of the great benefits of the United India Company's rule, and because of it, many of them will do wicked things in far away lands from their home because they know they will never get punished for it. So they are happy to turn the other way, even those that are not turned to Half-breed, will happily be complicit, even when they know the truth. Because what does it matter if it's not their home?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 04:48 pm (UTC)Yeah. You all have got it worse than me. I get it.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 08:41 am (UTC)[ Her jaw locks. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 12:13 pm (UTC)Kitty, what on earth is wrong?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 12:21 pm (UTC)What's wrong? There's nothing wrong. I'm just giving you what you apparently want. [ Then a hard shake of her head - ] You can say it's not about who's got it worse until your face turns blue, but this is the third time in this conversation alone that you've pointed out how much more power and privilege my people have got. Which - Maybe they have. I don't know. But also, my people aren't from your world. And you don't know anything about how my people live, or what we go through, or any of it. You haven't even bothered to ask. You've just assumed. So, no, there's nothing wrong.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 12:37 pm (UTC)[ Hard not to bite further. Lean into it. Easy, easy, easy. ]
You asked, you asked about my people, my land, why I went to England, about the English I know. You questioned how I could do any of it, and then when I told you, you talked about your people, so yes, Kitty, I am confused. I care for you, like my own family, but I do not know what you want from me.
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